2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0
I have been watching you very closely to see if you
have been good this year, and since you have, I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under
your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a
little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have
all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies
dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight
maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been
arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming.
The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens,
two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up
to my butt in bird crap.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,
eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay
Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled
Christmas for the 5th of February.
Sincerely,
Santa.
A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After
a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman.
"I want to buy this television,"
she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."
She gets mad, leaves and goes home.
She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television."
she says to the salesman, getting the same response;
"Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated.
She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all,
leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the
store, she once again approaches the salesman.
"Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems."
To which the salesman replies,
"Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she
cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and
even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied,
"Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey.
"But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Funny Quotes:
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way
so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
More Quotes:
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
"Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, which takes but one prick to break."
"If you don't want your children to hear what you are saying, pretend you're talking to them."
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."
"size doesnt matter......unless i want an orgasm"
"The United States of America: Screwing with the English Language for over 200 years."
"Bartender, I'd like whatever the man on the floor was drinking."
"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink I get drunk I fall down No problem"
"I quit drinking and smoking once. Very boring 15 minutes."
"A beer will only come when you want it to."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"A beer in need is a beer indeed."
"24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?"
"I'm bored." -- "Do you want to have sex?"
Why It's Great to be a Woman:
"We'll get asked to have sex for about 90% of our life."
"Short girls are referred to as 'petite'."
"If we miss a sexual opportunity, we only have to wait ten minutes."
"Sweat is sexy on us."
"Crying gets us anything."
"Our phone conversations are better than a soap opera."
Even More Quotes:
"Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation."
"alien: n. a being who travels great distances to molest our cattle and trample our grain."
"carpe carpe carpe -- bitch bitch bitch"
"The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math."
"All generalizations are false."
"Christopher Robin Hood: He steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh."
"Make Lots of Money, Enjoy the Work, Operate Within the Law: Choose 2."
"Eat right. Exercise. Die Anyway."
"Politics. From the greek poly, meaning many, and ticks, a small, annoying bloodsucker"
"I am an Insomniac, agnostic, Egotist: I lie awake nights wondering whether
I believe that I am as great as I think I am."
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. - Dorothy."
Pick up lines we often fall for..
and always regret:
"If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
"If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put 'U' and 'I' together."
"Would you like to go out for pizza and sex? ... What, you don't like pizza?"
"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
Bumper Stickers:
"This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random"
"Black Holes Suck"
"Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again."
"We're not lost. We're locationally challenged."
"Dyslexics of the world, untie!"
"Nuke Unborn Gay Whales for Jesus."
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"Real Men Wear Make Up"
"Real Men Wear Skirts"
Know any quotes or jokes? Share 'em with me! just email the joke or story to me and I guarantee it will get put on this page.
